It took me 14 months and two days to finally feel at peace to forgive.
To the first doctor who attended to my husband right after his accident, I forgive you. I forgive you for your shortcomings and selfishness. I will still wish from time to time that you were not that stupid, but I forgive you.
To the nurse who was with my husband when he was brought to the hospital, I forgive you. At first, I was so thankful that you were there to help my husband until I found out how unprofessional you had been and how your actions could have caused additional misery to me and my children until God made a way to make things right. I will never forget what you did, but I forgive you.
To the hospital where my husband was treated, I forgive you. I was full of hatred for you knowing that we had bags of blood donated by his coworkers but it laid there unused, simply because it was 5:00 PM and your staff that did cross matching had gone home. I was later told that it wouldn't have mattered because he had a very, very small chance of survival from the very start. But wouldn't you hold on to that small chance? I still believe that it was immoral and insensitive but I forgive you.
To the doctor who performed the surgery on my husband, I forgive you. I know you did your best and you wanted him to live and for that I was thankful. But I hated you because right after the operation you told his office mate that he will most likely not survive (who was not able to tell me either until it was too late), but didn't tell me. I was there, thanking you, believing completely that he will live, that he was okay because all you said was he needed rest and he'd be better after his body adjusted from the loss of blood. If you had told me what you told his office mate, I would have made decisions that I didn't make because I believed he would live. If you told me the truth, I would never have taken my eyes off the small window in the ICU when I wasn't allowed inside anymore. I would have talked to him until my mouth can't speak anymore. It is still painful thinking of the things that I could have done, but I forgive you.
To the other doctors who treated him I forgive you. Your actions and words made my anguish worse although I would like to believe that you had good intentions. You had no idea how horrible it was to listen, on the third day of my husband's hospitalization, to one doctor telling me that his blood pressure had improved, a vital sign that would signal his body was responding to medication; and another doctor telling me that he had been brain dead for two days; all in a span of 10 minutes. To hope and die in 10 minutes. To smile and cry. That was awful, but I forgive you.
To the priest who came to our house to "bless" my husband through the invitation of someone else, I forgive you. You came to my house but instead of saying comforting words to us, you insulted his life and legacy all because we chose to be married in civil rites. He spent his last weekend alive convincing me to go to church and on the last days of his physical body on Earth, you insulted his memory in front of everyone. Until today I still cannot understand why you said that a funeral mass did not affect whether the dead went to heaven or hell because his life when he was alive was what mattered, but denied my husband a funeral mass because we chose to have a civil wedding. If you knew you had nothing nice to say, then why come at all? I never invited you anyway. I still believe it's wrong when you said denying a dead person funeral mass because he was married in civil rites was not about the dead person but a form of discipline to the living, but I forgive you.
To the parish church and its priests that denied my husband one last chance to enter the Catholic Church before his burial because we were married in civil rites, I forgive you. I still believe that the Church is a sanctuary and should be open to anyone who wants to enter it, dead or alive, especially its members who lived righteous lives, serving others selflessly. I still cannot understand why we were not allowed to enter the Church though we just wanted one last chance as a family to say our prayers but I forgive you.
To the people who I felt did not help him or whose actions and decisions somehow put him in the situation that led to his accident and death, I forgive you.
To the people who I felt took advantage of us or tried to after our most trying time, I forgive you.
I forgive you because I need to forgive to move forward. I forgive you because I have two young children who deserve a happy home. I forgive you because God has forgiven me so many times in the past so what right do I have not to forgive? I forgive you because my husband would have wanted me to.
To the first doctor who attended to my husband right after his accident, I forgive you. I forgive you for your shortcomings and selfishness. I will still wish from time to time that you were not that stupid, but I forgive you.
To the nurse who was with my husband when he was brought to the hospital, I forgive you. At first, I was so thankful that you were there to help my husband until I found out how unprofessional you had been and how your actions could have caused additional misery to me and my children until God made a way to make things right. I will never forget what you did, but I forgive you.
To the hospital where my husband was treated, I forgive you. I was full of hatred for you knowing that we had bags of blood donated by his coworkers but it laid there unused, simply because it was 5:00 PM and your staff that did cross matching had gone home. I was later told that it wouldn't have mattered because he had a very, very small chance of survival from the very start. But wouldn't you hold on to that small chance? I still believe that it was immoral and insensitive but I forgive you.
To the doctor who performed the surgery on my husband, I forgive you. I know you did your best and you wanted him to live and for that I was thankful. But I hated you because right after the operation you told his office mate that he will most likely not survive (who was not able to tell me either until it was too late), but didn't tell me. I was there, thanking you, believing completely that he will live, that he was okay because all you said was he needed rest and he'd be better after his body adjusted from the loss of blood. If you had told me what you told his office mate, I would have made decisions that I didn't make because I believed he would live. If you told me the truth, I would never have taken my eyes off the small window in the ICU when I wasn't allowed inside anymore. I would have talked to him until my mouth can't speak anymore. It is still painful thinking of the things that I could have done, but I forgive you.
To the other doctors who treated him I forgive you. Your actions and words made my anguish worse although I would like to believe that you had good intentions. You had no idea how horrible it was to listen, on the third day of my husband's hospitalization, to one doctor telling me that his blood pressure had improved, a vital sign that would signal his body was responding to medication; and another doctor telling me that he had been brain dead for two days; all in a span of 10 minutes. To hope and die in 10 minutes. To smile and cry. That was awful, but I forgive you.
To the priest who came to our house to "bless" my husband through the invitation of someone else, I forgive you. You came to my house but instead of saying comforting words to us, you insulted his life and legacy all because we chose to be married in civil rites. He spent his last weekend alive convincing me to go to church and on the last days of his physical body on Earth, you insulted his memory in front of everyone. Until today I still cannot understand why you said that a funeral mass did not affect whether the dead went to heaven or hell because his life when he was alive was what mattered, but denied my husband a funeral mass because we chose to have a civil wedding. If you knew you had nothing nice to say, then why come at all? I never invited you anyway. I still believe it's wrong when you said denying a dead person funeral mass because he was married in civil rites was not about the dead person but a form of discipline to the living, but I forgive you.
To the parish church and its priests that denied my husband one last chance to enter the Catholic Church before his burial because we were married in civil rites, I forgive you. I still believe that the Church is a sanctuary and should be open to anyone who wants to enter it, dead or alive, especially its members who lived righteous lives, serving others selflessly. I still cannot understand why we were not allowed to enter the Church though we just wanted one last chance as a family to say our prayers but I forgive you.
To the people who I felt did not help him or whose actions and decisions somehow put him in the situation that led to his accident and death, I forgive you.
To the people who I felt took advantage of us or tried to after our most trying time, I forgive you.
I forgive you because I need to forgive to move forward. I forgive you because I have two young children who deserve a happy home. I forgive you because God has forgiven me so many times in the past so what right do I have not to forgive? I forgive you because my husband would have wanted me to.
Thanks for sharing this, Weng. Your words cut and heal at the same time. It cuts right at the heart of your innermost feelings, while providing catharsis and release for recovery. This holds true for you and us, your readers. Death and loss are difficult subjects to address and, like I have said before, none of my words may ever help. But do know I, and many of your friends and former co-workers, am here to listen and understand. Keep writing, keep healing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ces, for the encouragement and support. Life is becoming better again, and I am thankful for friends like you. You are right my friend. It is difficult. The feeling of loss will never go away, you simply learn to live with it, and cry silently without tears, and to feel pain without losing hope.
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